The 24-Minute News Cycle

The U.S. has not invaded Canada at this moment, but it's clear that California and Canada have some version of friends with benefits thang that is evolving into a situationship.

Welcome to the 24-minute news cycle. Here, the next Hawk Tuah girl gets famous at 2:30, starts a podcast at 4:00, and has a crypto scam by 4:23. By 4:50, we don't care to make fun of the dated peen-spitting reference in Alex Jones' speech announcing his role as White House communication director.

Those old enough to complain of back pain mostly recall the days when 15 seconds of fame was 15 minutes. In those days, talking about peen spitting could get you weeks of fame. But now, we cannot remember the names of the new illnesses that long. As Alex Jones addresses members of the press hand-selected from News Max, Sputnik, and RT, the world learns that "RFK Jr. gave the latest pandemic the old hawk tuah’ya later."

The Murmur Plague, an illness that started two Tuesdays ago when Steve Bannon's pet rat ingested bile from a Neuralink monkey named Craig, mutated again, and now it only hurts hamsters. It was a good thing, not for the hamsters but for humans, given that everyone knew someone who died from Murmur over the last 6 days. The global death toll estimates ranged from about 1.4 million down to the more conservative 13 people the U.S. CDC director Susan Monarez posted about on X, the social network formerly known as Twitter.

U.S. federal government waste may be at an all-time low now or not; it's hard to tell since a guy named Big Ballz fired all the accountants who worked for the U.S. Federal government. The U.S. has not invaded Canada at this moment, but it's clear that California and Canada have some version of friends with benefits thang that is evolving into a situationship. Donald Trump and the state of New York both seem really jealous over it.

It's old news now, but Sean Combs, a/k/a "Puff Daddy," a/k/a "P. Diddy," a/k/a "Diddy," a/k/a "PD," a/k/a "Love," recently outlawed condoms, because, "it doesn't feel the same." Sean Combs, a/k/a "Puff Daddy," a/k/a "P. Diddy," a/k/a "Diddy," a/k/a "PD," a/k/a "Love," became the director of Planned Parenthood after Trump signed an executive order to federalize it because Grok the only AI that knows everyone's social security number told him to.

The largest podcast in the world interviewed Alexis McGill Johnson, the one-time president and CEO of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, back when it was a 501c(3), to talk about it. She was not happy about it. Also, Johnson spoke about things other than a man with the female host of Pod Save This Dick because passing the Bechdel test matters.

It is now 6:24, and two women are seated in a kitchen, both with names. They are discussing how great TikTok has been since Neurlink acquired the company and made it phone-free. The conversation drifts back to Craig, the rat owned by Steve Bannon, who ate that Neuralink monkey's bile that caused the Murmur Plague.

The two women with names are not sure if Craig was the rat or the monkey. Both women think Bannon may have eaten the bile and caused the plague. Only one of the women likes the anal-only family planning Sean Combs, a/k/a "Puff Daddy," a/k/a "P. Diddy," a/k/a "Diddy," a/k/a "PD," a/k/a "Love," has been pushing lately.

They, the women with names, turn on the fifth episode of The Daily Show for the day. We all complain of backpain, many complain about anal-only family planning. No one complains about Grok, not since it bullied that guy to suicide. Anyway it’s 6:30 and the news is on.

“What if Russia breaks this cease fire?” asked a reporter of the President of the United States. And the real, sitting President of the United States answered with the following real, not faked or satirical quote.

"What if they? What if anything? What if a bomb drops on your head right now, okay? What if they broke it? I don't know. They broke it with Biden because Biden—they didn't respect him. They didn't respect Obama. They respect me.

Let me tell you, Putin went through a hell of a lot with me. He went through a phony witch hunt where they used him. And 'Russia, Russia, Russia, Russia'—you ever hear of that deal? That was a phony—that was a phony Hunter Biden, Joe Biden scam. Hillary Clinton, Shifty Adam Schiff—it was a Democrat scam.

And he had to go through that, and he did go through it. We didn't end up in a war, and he went through it. He was accused of all that stuff—he had nothing to do with it! It came out of Hunter Biden's bathroom, it came out of Hunter Biden's bedroom—it was disgusting! And then they said, 'Oh, oh, the laptop from hell was made by Russia!' The 51 agents, the whole thing was a scam. And he had to put up with that—he was being accused of all that stuff.

All I can say is this: He might have broken deals with Obama and Bush, and he might have broken them with Biden. He did. Maybe. Maybe he didn't. I don't know what happened, but he didn't break them with me.

He wants to make a deal. I don't know if you can make a deal. The problem is, I've empowered you to be a tough guy, and I don't think you'd be a tough guy without the United States. And your people are very brave.

But you're either going to make a deal, or we're out. And if we're out, you'll fight it out. I don't think it's going to be pretty, but you'll fight it out. But you don't have the cards. But once we sign that deal, you're in a much better position. But you're not acting at all thankful, and that's not a nice thing. I'll be honest—that's not a nice thing.

All right, uh, I think we've seen enough. What do you think? This is—this is going to be great television, I will say that."

The two women with names, who are unsure if the monkey or the rat who caused The Murmur Plague was named Craig, just looked at one another. The woman who liked anal only family planning, broke the silence saying, “Hey Stacy, do you want to build an app?”

The woman who did not like the contraception approach of the American rapper, record producer, and music executive accused of sex trafficking involving drug-fuelled orgies known as "freak-offs" who now heads an agency within The United States Department of Health and Human Services that was once a nonprofit organization providing sexual and reproductive health care, including birth control, abortion, and sex education replied, “Yeah Amanda. I think we could do something with AI, and maybe we’d get money for the app.”

Neither Amanda nor Stacy mentioned David Sacks.