The Internal Motivations Of A Person Trying To Hurt You Are Irrelevant

Manipulation, Power, and the War on Accountability

I’ve been writing about the ways people with Machiavellian tendencies cause turmoil in organizations. Pointing out such public figures as Elon Musk, and Pete Hegseth naturally brings up questions about narcissism. Regarding this, my core belief, generally in line with mental health clinician consensus, is that pathological narcissism requires Machiavellianism.

Since narcissism as a term is overused and broadly misunderstood let’s define someone who is pathologically narcissistic. This is a standard very different from the Robert Greene take of narcissism as a spectrum we’re all on, or the clinical standard for Narcissistic Personality Disorder requiring five of nine criteria in the DSM-5 be met substantially across multiple areas of life without another medical explanation. For our purpose here, a pathological narcissist is someone for whom all of these four things are true in all areas of life.

The Pathological Narcissist

1. They are unable to see things from the perspective of others, and if they try to see things from another's perspective, they will instead project how they feel or what they would do onto others. Projection and manipulative behavior sometimes mask the missing empathy. After all, feeling negative about the loss of a pet, for example, is nearly universal, and it doesn’t take understanding to figure out some phrases or magic words to provoke specific desirable responses from others.

2. They do not grasp a difference between criticism of their behavior and criticism of themselves fundamentally. Internally confusing at all times, “what you did was bad” for “you are bad.” The reverse will also be true in that they will not see a difference between “you did a good thing,” and “I am saying you are a good person.”

3. They feel a sense of shame deep down and constantly work to protect themselves from that feeling. This manifests as any or all of the following: a) seeking attention and validation, with behaviors as diverse as painting themselves as a victim or doing charity work for attention or even committing heinous acts to keep the spotlight on them; b) speaking with unearned grandiosity about their success, attractiveness, or future success; c) avoidance of shame triggers such as acknowledging wrongdoing (this may include gaslighting or attempts to turn themselves into the victim).

4. They see all people only for the roles they fill in their lives, not as full people due to the lack of empathy. Meaning, if someone stops meeting the need they feel that person exists to meet for them, that person is viewed as a broken tool, now useless to them. This will include children, and the role of a child may be seen as one of self-sacrifice to perpetuate a particular public image; in other words, exploitative behavior.

The criteria here are so specific that many people who are clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are excluded, but for this article, we need a baseline standard for narcissism that is outside of reasonable doubt. Someone who meets all of the above is not simply autistic, histrionic, from a different culture, or dealing with substance use disorder. If someone meets all of the above, no matter what else may be going on, they are a pathological narcissist.

Pathological Narcissism Is High Mach, High Mach Isn’t Always Narcissism

A pathological narcissist will always be Machiavellian, as they are constantly trying to hide their insecurity and to protect themselves from feelings of judgment, including their own. While other people can be manipulative, even to a clinically significant level referred to as ‘high Mach’ without pathological narcissism, it’s impossible to be a pathological narcissist without being highly manipulative. The inability to live honestly means they are in a tug-of-war with reality.

Imagine, if you will, that it benefits me to have you think I’m a social worker. If you asked me flat out if I am a "social worker," I could say, “Not in this state.” I haven’t lied, and you may reasonably think I am a social worker in another state. I could even volunteer; in Missouri, an MSW degree is used as if it were the LMSW license. If you accused me of lying because I don’t have a master’s degree in social work, I could say, “I never said I was a social worker.”

Now let’s imagine that I am not simply trying to pass for a social worker in the hopes of some benefit, but I am, in fact, deeply ashamed that I am not a social worker. I have a pressing need to be perceived as a social worker. If you tell me I’m not a social worker, it actually hurts me; I argue with you, I bluster, I eventually break down, and stop engaging out of a psychological need greater than my need for truth.

The Narcissism Drives The Machiavellianism

More realistically, let’s say someone has made being a good parent core to their identity. They don’t differentiate between "did a bad thing" and "is a bad thing." Oh, and they don’t understand other people’s perspectives.

If the child of a pathological narcissist brings up something the parent did wrong, that will be met with Defcon 6 defensiveness. Because a core part of their identity is being a good parent, and to them, saying they did anything wrong is not an attack on that action but on them as a whole. The parent may deny that something happened because, to them, it wasn’t memorable, or that it was not a bad thing; after all, from their perspective—the only one they understand—they didn’t do anything wrong.

The parent may start to manipulate using old conversations: “I recall you saying you liked when…” or “You always complained about your hearing, so that is why I screamed at you.” They may also pull the old, “I guess I never did anything right and am a horrible person.”

They may also blame the child for bringing things up now when they are under so much stress as a way to end the conversation. If pressure keeps up, they may give a non-apology: “I’m sorry for all my failings” or “Sorry you feel that way.” Continued demands for accountability will cause parts of the cycle to repeat until avoidance becomes the only answer.

The child’s need for accountability is making the parent feel bad on a core level, and the operating system of the pathological narcissist is to at all times avoid feeling bad; therefore, the person making them feel bad is now a bad object, a broken tool to be tossed away.

Applied To Public Figures

Musk, Hegseth, or any of the myriad of public figures I have criticized and will criticize may be narcissists. But I’m not a clinician and therefore cannot diagnose. Were I a clinician, I couldn't diagnose without seeing them as clients, and if that happened, those visits would be protected by HIPAA.

Narcissism, in my view, is what is going on in someone else's brain. I cannot read minds, but I can look at behavior and label it as problematic. For example, Hegseth lying about the content of text messages he sent in a group chat containing a journalist is manipulative, and that is disruptive. If Hegseth is ducking accountability because a core part of his psychological makeup requires that he be responsible with national security information, or because he wants to try his best to avoid consequences for any other reasons, it doesn't matter.

Elon Musk, at CPAC, used the word "empathy" regarding the people of Ukraine in a way I consider to be entirely disingenuous.

Well, first of all, I think we should have empathy for the people dying at the front lines. That’s the most important thing, and people have been dying. You know, it’s like, how many more years is this supposed to go on? Yeah, and imagine if that was your son, your father. What are they dying for? Yeah, what exactly are they dying for? That line, the line of engagement, has barely moved for two years. There’s a whole bunch of people dead in the trenches.

And I’ll tell you what, for what? It’s like the biggest graft machine that I’ve ever seen in my life. For what? It’s unreal, like the amount of money that’s being taken in graft and bribery is disgusting.

And so what’s actually happening is that those, you know, people, those guys, are getting sent into a meat grinder for money. That’s what’s actually going on. Yeah, and it needs to stop. I mean, that’s it. It seems, I mean, Trump is so pragmatic on this. He’s just looking at it and he’s saying, 'It’s Ukraine. It’s not our country, it’s not a NATO ally. I just want to see people not dying. I want to see it on both sides.'

Here's some empathy for the people of Ukraine: at least some of them are willing to fight Russia with there bear hands rather than accept a bad cease fire. Musk’s paternalistic stance is that, because he doesn't want people making the choice many in Ukraine want to make—to die for the idea of their nation’s future—that choice should be taken away.

You could say the situation between the US and Ukraine is way more complicated than I make it seem. You would be correct; war is complicated, international policy is complicated, but empathy is not complicated. What Musk said shows no empathy and works as propaganda, painting attempts at actual understanding and support of the positions of the Ukrainian people as heartless.

If Musk feels deep empathy for the people of Ukraine but knows those feelings don’t further his agenda, if he is literally incapable of empathy, or if he doesn’t know or care how they feel, it matters not at all to me. Therapy is not real life, and in real life, it’s not our job to find out why others act as they do. All we can do is call out and label behavior.